I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
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