Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
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