onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
