Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
Randomize
