Woo Hoo! Just saw Asian kids with rocker mullets. Tried to get a picture on my phone, but you know how those ninjas are.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
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