first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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