If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
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