in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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