got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
you are never too drunk for berry picking
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
Randomize
