The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
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