Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
