I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
