and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
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