I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Randomize
