Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Do you really want to know anything about the inner machinations of a furry's mind
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
