Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
Randomize
