apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
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