the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
