why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
Randomize
