just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
