i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
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Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
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Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
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