did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
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