I think i peed on brittanys purse
I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
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