My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
