So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
Randomize
