Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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