U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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