Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
