I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
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He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
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You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
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