I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
Randomize
