I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
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