tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
