Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
