I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Randomize
