mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
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