I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
sent the pic of my tit to the wrong bbm chatroom
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
