can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Randomize
