I met the friendliest cop last night
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Randomize
