i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
he had hair everywhere except his balls
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
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