My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
