I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize