I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize
