ya dads aren't the best wingmen
yeah but I shoulda known it\'d be bad when he start rubbing my pubic bone instead of the clit! Awkkkkwarddd
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
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