He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Randomize
