Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
I don't think he has that. His apartment was pretty much a tv and a bed. Topless girl calendar and a glass of water to put out cigarettes.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
Randomize
