Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
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