I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
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