that john and kate plus 8 dude has ruined asians for me
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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