if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
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