Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
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