I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
home. puking in laundry basket.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
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