toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
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