He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
