My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
when im bored during the day i often think, what do people who dont get high do with their day.. i came to the conlcusion that everyone must be getting high
We aren't going to mix hockey and sex texts tonight.
I totally agree. all sexting is on hold till after the games over.
Playoffs. This shit is serious.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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