Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
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