I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Randomize
