I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Randomize
