he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
