mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
i dont know why he would complain when i touch him there.
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
