Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
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