cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
